ARE WE TURNING PRINCES INTO FROGS?
By Ragini Prasad
During a challenging period in my marriage, I stumbled upon a question that profoundly shifted my perspective on men: "Are we turning princes into frogs?" This query became more than just a thought. It became my guide and transformed how I viewed men. It also initiated a complex exploration of the dynamics between men and women. Most importantly, it led me to shed my anti-men armor and cultivated in me insights into how we can enhance mutual respect and understanding between the sexes. It also revealed our co-creative potential.
This question, inspired by Alison Armstrong's "Queen's Code," in which she discusses the concept of "frog farming," marked a turning point for me. As a woman and an engineer, I was familiar with masculine power structures; my proclivity for masculine ways of being initially made me resist the idea embedded in Armstrong's question. Moreover, I had long been influenced by feminist ideologies and a subtle narrative about men. This narrative suggested that all men were frogs and that the world would improve dramatically if only men could change.
Reflecting on the misunderstandings with my husband, it's important to clarify that our problems were not rooted in violence but in persistent miscommunications. Insights from Armstrong shed light on how my husband's reactions mirrored the energy and attitudes I held and projected. This realization highlighted the significant influence women can have in either bringing out the best or worst in men, particularly through subtle manipulations of relationship dynamics, such as withholding affection. This awakening underscored that women wield power differently from men. This power can either corrupt or enhance our interactions.
This journey toward radical self-responsibility was both enlightening and unsettling. It revealed deep-seated patterns within both myself and society at large. I realized that the emasculation of men was not only widespread but also, alarmingly, celebrated and encouraged. This was not a pursuit of equality, but rather an assertion of superiority. Society was viewing men through a skewed lens, judging them from a distinctly female perspective. Ultimately, it desired men to be more like women rather than appreciating and accepting them for who they truly are. The pervasive societal narrative of 'toxic masculinity' further exacerbated these issues, casting a broad shadow over all men based on the actions of a few.
As these dynamics unfolded, the far-reaching consequences for all men became starkly apparent. One does not need to look far to observe the troubling increase in suicide rates among men and the consistently poorer outcomes that boys face in various aspects of life. This push for equality and the advancement of women's causes appeared to come at the expense of men, creating a zero-sum game. Tragically, it seemed that society was holding all men hostage to the actions of a few, employing an unjust generalization. Simultaneously, any discussion about the negative aspects of femininity was quickly labelled as misogyny. This contributed to a subtle yet growing narrative. It indiscriminately branded all men as inherently problematic while suggesting women could do no wrong. Most alarmingly, these broader dynamics were seeping into my relationship, skewing my perspective and causing me to project these attitudes onto my husband. Could these dynamics be contributing to high divorce rates? Clearly, a poor narrative around men was having widespread implications. It was blinding us to the importance of healthy masculinity and the co-creative power that exists between the sexes.
Exploring this topic uncovers a complex web of interconnected issues. Unraveling one thread often exposes many others. For instance, while society is quick to criticize figures like Andrew Tate for their controversial messages, it simultaneously overlooks the critical shortage of male role models in the formative stages of a boy's life. Alarmingly, the challenges faced by fatherless boys are severe, yet discussions about their long-term impacts remain largely absent. Similarly, the significant decline in male teachers garners less attention than the absence of women in leadership roles. This disparity raises a crucial question: How do we raise healthy boys and men in the absence of positive male role models? Regardless of one's views on figures like Andrew Tate, their emergence highlights a void. In the absence of suitable role models, this void allows a variety of individuals to step into that space.
An increasing awareness exists about the complex double bind many men and boys face. Naturally stoic, they are often encouraged to express their emotions in ways that mirror typical female approaches; when they opt for action and physicality to process their feelings—approaches that diverge from the verbal expressions commonly preferred by women—they are met with criticism. For example, while a woman might directly discuss issues to console a friend, a man might choose to invite that friend to a sports game as a form of support. Both actions are valid forms of emotional regulation. However, one is often deemed superior. The contradictions continue: men are simultaneously urged to talk more and open up, yet they are also told to "check their privilege" and remain silent. The concept of male privilege is frequently used to silence and marginalize them.
These double binds can lead to significant cognitive and emotional distress; it is clear to me that the emotional struggles of men begin long before violence becomes visible. As a society, we have unfortunately normalized a desensitization to their emotional distress.
A crucial starting point is to acknowledge the complementary nature between men and women—a topic that is rarely discussed but is essential for improving our interactions. Recognizing that men and women are inherently different—often in ways that complement each other—can significantly enhance the dynamics between us. For example, men's higher levels of testosterone contribute to their hyper-focus and outcome-oriented nature. In contrast, women's elevated levels of estrogen and progesterone foster a more diffuse awareness and a sensitivity to the subtleties of relationships, language, and emotions. Understanding these differences has broadened my perspective, allowing me to appreciate the world through another's eyes. We shouldn't overlook stereotypes, but ignoring these inherent differences can be profoundly dangerous.
Realizing the importance of understanding others in relation to oneself is not commonly taught, but it is a critical awareness we must cultivate if we are to move beyond the current toxic dynamics. Viewing these issues from different perspectives has been enlightening; as I have engaged in discussions on these topics, I have encountered criticism from both men and women. This feedback has made me realize that the issues are more profound than I initially thought, especially when even men have internalized the narrative that they are inherently problematic and in need of correction.
My message to men is to be cautious about buying into this narrative; being a good male role model does not mean shaming men at large. Authentic masculinity involves understanding oneself and remaining strong, despite the pressures and influences of the surrounding world.
Finally, this journey opened my eyes to seeing how life is perfectly orchestrated to help us grow into more powerful versions of ourselves. Seeing a future where men and women coexist in harmony now seems not only possible but natural; the interconnected nature of reality reveals that nothing exists in isolation. We all have a role to play in this symphony of existence, and real change begins with our own transformation.
About The Author
Ragini Prasad
Ragini Prasad is an existential detective and a regenerative thinker, committed to supporting humanity in navigating the complex challenges of what many are calling a great unravelling of our times.
She is an architect of change, weaving her rich tapestry of roles and experiences—mother, wife, engineer, sustainability leader, executive coach, and writer—into a mission to regenerate the human spirit. Ragini is committed to helping humanity rise to a new level of existence where life is not just sustained, but actively improved and enriched; she is currently laying the foundations of her coaching and consulting practice, Begin With You, an endeavour designed to ignite transformative growth in leaders, changemakers, and organizations. Discover more about Ragini's impactful approach on LinkedIn, where she invites you to join her in redefining what it means to thrive in our interconnected world.
Connect with Ragini Prasad on LinkedIn to learn more about her work and insights here.
