TO MY SONS: SHIT I KNOW
By Sheridan Taylor
Our hero gives some hard-learned advice to his sons and you, dear reader. Nowhere here will you find our hero exhorting his sons not to be weak, not to feel emotions, not to be scared. These are the wrong lessons our fathers, and their fathers before them, learned, and they have cost us. It is impossible not to feel fear, loneliness, or any other emotion, uncomfortable or otherwise.
Emotions are nothing more than physiological responses inside our bodies to external stimuli. We feel fear when something scary happens, just as we feel joy when something joyful happens. We cannot do otherwise. Emotions are signals from our body to our brain, telling us something it wants us to know, exactly the same as pain or hunger.
As a boy, I learned that allowing my father to know I was scared or sad would draw disapproval from him. It was weakness. Strong men don't cry. Strong men don't feel fear. This told me that if I felt the signal in my body that I couldn't help but feel, there must be something inherently wrong with me. This caused me to hide my emotions. Then, deny them. Then, suppress and repress them. Then they exploded. And I went insane and tried to kill myself to stop the pain.
My father learned stupid shit, believed it, and taught it to me. It's taken me 50 years to unlearn that fucking garbage and learn to love myself. The last 8 years were the ones I really put in the work. I decided to do things differently when my oldest son was born and break the cycle. I decided to become a dad, not just a father.
These are not the lessons I strive to teach my sons. I teach my sons to always try as hard as possible in everything. I tell them to be honest in everything, especially with themselves. I teach them to keep their word. I teach them to help others. I teach them to be strong enough to be kind.
I teach them the lessons they've taught me. I learned how to be a father by asking myself what I want my sons to be like when they've grown past their need for me. Then I started behaving like that man. I literally faked it until I made it. Now, by pretending to be the man I want my sons to become, I've grown into him. I model the behaviour I would like them to exhibit when they enter the world to take their place there.
Here are 25 points I put together for them:
You'll make a lot of mistakes when you're making an effort.
No matter how much you love them, some people won't or can't change or heal. Those people are toxic, and you must cut them loose, or they'll poison you.
Insanity and anger are contagious, but so are compassion and kindness.
A setback or a comeback? You decide. It's your call.
I've allowed shame to keep me in the past, and fear to keep me from the future. Don't do either. Nothing can change what's happened. Doing nothing ensures you can't change what'll happen.
Take every opportunity, but don't settle. Wait for what you really want, but effort and planning will speed that up exponentially.
Practice gratitude.
Apologise when you're wrong. Don't rub it in when you're right. You'll have more friends and fewer nights on the couch.
People who speak the truth don't mind answering questions. People who lie can't stand being questioned.
I didn't marry your mom because I could live with her. I married her because I couldn't live without her. Find that person for you.
Losers hate, blame, and complain, while successful people inspire and motivate. Losers tear other people down, while successful people build them up.
Being hurt never gives you the right to hurt someone else.
It's all in your perspective. My triggers sucked, but they told me what to work on. My pain sucked, but it showed me how to help others heal.
I thought my oldest friend was anger, but he was a liar. Turns out it was really fear in disguise. Then I found out he was lying, too. It was actually pain wearing a mask. I ditched him. Don't let liars into your life.
Don't bitch if you get boiled wieners for supper. Treat your partner so well you've earned steak.
Whatever it is, if it costs you peace, joy, or calm, it's too expensive, and the interest will break you.
Wherever you go, try to leave it better than you found it. Whomever you meet, try to leave them happier than you found them.
It's probably love if you smile every time they text.
Yesterday's mistakes don't define who we are today. They're life lessons, not life sentences.
Dare to try, never quit, do what must be done.
I spent years avoiding failure. It meant I avoided success. Which meant I succeeded at failing.
Courage, perseverance, and discipline are the building blocks of success at anything.
Discipline is a habit. Discipline weighs nothing at all, but regret weighs more than a mountain.
I became stronger because I had to, smarter because I failed often, happier because I let go of sadness, braver because I pushed through fear, and wiser because I paid attention to all the above.
Nothing outside you can make you happy. Nothing and nobody can make you feel anything. You decide what you will feel, and that will depend on the story you tell yourself.
P.S. You'll absolutely need algebra, geometry, and trigonometry later in life, so pay attention in high school. It'll save you a lot of frustration and regret later.
About The Author
Sheridan Taylor is a Canadian army veteran of seventeen years, a former corrections officer, and a suicide survivor.
He writes about mental health, addiction, the stigma of mental illness, and how to reduce the harm these things do to us as individuals and as a society.
From the depths of despair and the brink of suicide, Sheridan fought his way out of depression, trauma, and anxiety through love for his family.
Sheridan found the road to fulfilment, joy, and peace and wants to share it with you. Because he believes you deserve to cherish life, too.
Sheridan can be contacted here.
