Breaking the Silence: A First Responder's Journey Through Mental Health and Masculinity
By James Jefferson
From a very early age, societal conditioning has ingrained emotional suppression within the male population. We naturally gravitate towards the idolization of larger-than-life characters, superheroes, and athletes that we believe represent the true embodiment of masculinity. We watch in amazement as they seemingly dominate their opposition through feats of strength, aggression, and force. Media bombards us with fight scenes and gun battles depicting good vs. evil, in which justifiable homicide is acceptable if you're one of the "good guys." We were raised by fathers and grandfathers with a renaissance mentality of "suck it up and be a man," which ultimately translates to suppressing what you feel because real men don't show emotions. We form the belief that emotions are a weakness that robs us of our masculine energy, and we're led to believe the world will view us as less for expressing them.
The pressures for men to navigate these murky waters can be daunting, creating an internal moral conflict between presenting strength to avoid judgment and having a fearful and conflicted disposition beneath the surface. Men have seemingly mastered the premise of hiding in plain sight or adopting a blind ignorance to the realities of mental illness.
Now imagine adopting an identity as a first responder, a male-dominated profession that in some ways embodies toxic masculinity. The majority of male first responders consider themselves "Type A" personalities, a trait synonymous with ambition, competitiveness, achievement, anger, and perfectionism. But what do we know about the flip side of these traits? Every single one of them has the potential to form a natural pathway towards anxiety, depression, and other forms of mental illness.
These challenges can be complicated to navigate, and now let's add an additional layer of trauma as it pertains to working as a first responder. Post-traumatic stress disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, sanctuary trauma, and vicarious trauma are all spreading like wildfire through first responder professions.
Aside from the generally traumatic calls experienced within the first responder world, additional challenges such as lack of sleep, a nervous system that lives in hyperarousal, and internal organizational stress all play a vital role in challenging one's mental health. However, these are only the challenges that pertain to our employment. What if you're also a spouse, parent, caregiver, or breadwinner, coping with the peaks and valleys of your role within that dynamic? The lines become so blurred that work-life balance feels out of reach, and the problem is, as men, we believe we're built to carry this weight.
We live vicariously within the false belief that time heals all wounds and that our challenges will dissipate and pass like the changing seasons. We characteristically wait until the problem we're facing becomes so overwhelming that it eventually impacts all the important aspects of our life, such as our ability to work effectively and safely, our relationships with our loved ones, and our ability to live a life of peace.
As men, we're ill-prepared and ill-equipped with the knowledge and application that helps us lean into our experiences with the intent to endure and compartmentalize in a way that allows us to step forward into growth. The premise of suffering is a rite of passage in life, but take solace that these challenges are in ways predictable; and if something is predictable, it's preventable.
We will all experience unwanted suffering in life. Heartache, grief, loss, and death are all inevitable, but the path to less suffering is through suffering. This is a hard concept for most because the suffering we're trying to escape from becomes more predictable than the unknowns and the discipline of prioritizing self-care. The predictability of mental illness and the habits that ensue can become eerily comforting, as it takes us away from the fear of taking that step forward and allows us to ruminate within our hardship.
What you're experiencing is valid. Acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, be in it, but don't stay in it. For resilience to be the driving force, we must always choose the pain of progress over the pain of mental illness or life challenges. With any forward momentum, we must arrive with a plan; otherwise, we find ourselves walking aimlessly, easily swayed from our path due to our own ill-prepared reactivity. You must always look back in both acknowledging and validating your own challenges while adopting an approach of progress and acceptance that this is going to hurt, but understanding that the only way out is in.
In my own life as a police officer, I have experienced the crushing weight of post-traumatic stress, depression, and anxiety. I have stared into the eyes of the dark night of the soul, and I know what a loaded handgun pressed against my temple with every intent to pull it feels like. I was losing my own battle with mental illness because I felt I was alone in this fight, not because I didn't have anyone around me willing to help, but because the prideful narrative I set in my mind didn't allow me to reach out to anyone. I was willing to endure the psychological pain of mental illness because it was an "invisible injury" that allowed me to be weak while presenting strong. I consciously chose a familiar hell as opposed to an unfamiliar heaven.
I learned through my own experience that suppression works until it doesn't, and eventually, we must face what we dare not speak of. At the lowest point in my life, I was off work for over three years. My marriage was on the brink of divorce, I couldn't leave my house, and addictions to alcohol and drugs were quickly providing a passageway to my self-hatred and ultimately my downfall. I was diagnosed with PTSD, sanctuary trauma, substance use disorder, major depressive disorder, and anxiety disorder, just to name a few. I had roughly a 2-3% chance of returning to work and was on the cusp of being permanently disabled.
Afterlife finally forced me to level up and I made the decision to heal, I spent a full year immersed in my own progress. I understood I had to break myself open; that's how the light gets in. I created my own blueprint and adopted a daily discipline, always valuing my future self over immediate gratification. By year's end, I was trauma-free, and I no longer endured the hardship of mental illness. I healed my marriage, resurrected my career, and found strength, presence, and happiness that I wouldn't have believed was achievable unless I experienced it firsthand.
I now understand that any change in life always begins with one decision. Change can be born out of necessity, inspiration, love, or hatred, but what brings us to the decision varies from person to person. We are all built and broken by different things, but when we make the conscious decision to embrace the unknown, endure the discomfort, and shed the skin of our former selves, it formulates a redemptive quality within us that can carry us through trials and tribulations. To create real change, the thinking that brought you here cannot be the same thinking that gets you out. You must unlearn, re-learn, and re-invent the person looking back at you in the mirror. It's a humbling and terrifying process, to say the least, but if you know your why, you will know your way.
To embark on your journey of betterment with the intent to create lasting positive change, establish your blueprint by adopting and implementing my three pillars of change: connection, clarity, and communication.
Connection
When we examine connection, the opportunity to connect is everywhere within us and around us. We are in a constant state of processing energies both internally and externally. But how much conscious thought have you put forth in acknowledging your present state in connecting to yourself within your mind, body, and spirit? There must be an unbridled curiosity about the why behind who we are, having an intimate understanding of how we think, how we feel, how we react, and the why that is driving it. If you can understand through conscious connection why you are thriving or struggling, why you are triggered, offended, or inspired, then you create the ability to anticipate through self-awareness and set in motion what you need in that moment to create your most authentic self.
When you are fully present and connected, we mitigate unwanted reactions and feelings, and we find the ability to change our alignment through our perception and our actions, creating a resilient mindset towards life's challenges. When we are in a present state, fully connected, we don't give rise to the energies of past and future; both of which can be a vessel to our depression and anxiety. Check-in with yourself daily, and simply ask, am I present? If the answer is a resounding no, that is when we implement the steps to find that present state of being. This can be accomplished through a wide variety of training and grounding techniques.
Our connection doesn't end with only our internal self. Connection expands to other aspects of our life such as our environments, and the people we surround ourselves with. Find the subtle nuances that nature and your external environment bring that give you connection, rest, and revitalization. Surround yourself with people that inspire, uplift, and teach you. People that give you energy and don't take it away. Connection with nature and others humanizes who we are and creates a sense of depth in the notion that we are not alone. Only through that realization do we destigmatize our journey and, in turn, embrace the human being within us.
Clarity
Clarity comes into play as your roadmap. When you know the direction you want to travel and you are clear in what is driving you, you instinctually and naturally move in that direction. When I break down clarity, I look at clarity in your purpose for change, clarity in your desired outcomes, clarity in your non-negotiables, and lastly, clarity in what you can both control and eliminate. This approach to clarity has every action and decision predicated on the notion of your future self. The premise is essentially discipline now equals freedom later.
This creates a self-awareness in aspects of whether certain things are good for us or not, and if the "juice is worth the squeeze." From our habits and rituals, the programming we absorb, the people we surround ourselves with, to how we achieve grounded rest and revitalization. Only through clarity followed by application in all things does the path reveal itself.
Communication
When we examine the realm of communication, there is a multitude of outlets to explore. First and foremost, communication with yourself—so be careful what you say because you are listening. In terms of self-talk, I believe in a "just be" mindset. Be present, be responsible, be analytical, be adaptive, and be empathetic. By harnessing the power of resilient self-talk, we become the master of our fate, and are no longer a slave to our external world. We ultimately become conscious of our unconscious thoughts, which set in motion a strong and focused mindset.
Outside of ourselves, communication with others is crucial. Speak your struggle into existence, and find the strength to say, "It's okay to not be okay." Find others that hold space with you and allow you to experience your true vulnerable self in a cathartic way that becomes freeing. When we lean into others, we open ourselves up to guidance, perspective, and support. Start the conversation.
Embrace yourself and the journey you are on and adopt the belief that where you are in life is not who you are; it's who you choose to be and ultimately who you become through that process. Good things take time, great things happen in an instant. Make the decision and don't look back. Your future self will thank you. You are worth it!
About The Author
James Jefferson
James Jefferson is a 16-year police service veteran, and the current Mental Health & Wellness Coordinator Officer with the Greater Sudbury Police Service.
In a policing career that involved a fatal shooting and working undercover, James experienced debilitating Post Traumatic Stress, which ultimately led to a suicide attempt, and many other personal & professional challenges. Despite this adversity, James ultimately made the choice to not be defined by his diagnosis—but to defy it. Through developing and adopting his Blueprint To Resilience, James was able to heal his trauma, and is now a voice and a support for those experiencing mental illness and occupational stress injuries. James is a Keynote Speaker—and the 2022 national recipient of the Canada Beyond The Blue Darius Garda Legacy Award for sharing his powerful journey and his Blueprint To Resilience. James is a graduate from Laurentian University where he was awarded with a bachelor’s degree in both Psychology and Law & Justice.
