The Silent Half of Domestic Violence
By Elizabeth Merchant
The recent ruling by the Canadian government to declare intimate partner violence an epidemic, and National Domestic Violence Awareness Month coming up in October (U.S.) and November (Canada), makes this a timely issue worth examining.
And once again, men’s experiences take a back seat to the much more female-centered spotlight on this subject. I will not say “and rightly so,” like so many articles do, because partner violence (I will use the terms ‘partner violence (PV),’ intimate partner violence (IPV)’ and ‘domestic violence (DV)’ interchangeably) should be seen as a human issue, not a gendered one.
Domestic violence advocates blatantly leave men out of their campaigns and discussions on DV, which is unacceptable, especially in a country purporting to emphasize “diversity, equity, and inclusion” for all.
All, except men!
Should we not care about men? Do we not have fathers, brothers, sons, or best male friends who are dear to us? When DV comes to mind, most people think of a man pushing a woman around. But men can be, and are, as evidenced by research, victims of partner abuse. During the Pandemic of 2020/2021, readers were inundated with report after report of the rise of female victims of DV but failed to note the cases of male victims that had also risen during that time. There are different types of abuse and not all physical. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), over 6 million women and 53 million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.
One Canadian government report also found that there was a rise in men reporting their abuse by their female partner to the police, but despite the men’s complaints, women are rarely arrested for DV. Police usually think the man is the abuser. Arrests are more likely when the men are cited as the perpetrators. This is one of many reasons that men hesitate to report their assault. They may also wish to avoid the breakup of the family because some women may threaten access to the children.
These reasons are never elaborated on in discussions and articles on the topic of DV/IPV. For women, it is easier to report because they will be believed. For men, they will not be believed, and may even fear being ridiculed. They have the stigma of shame and embarrassment. Society still holds stereotypical views of men as the protector, unemotional, and with the ability to be strong at all times.
The Halo Effect
Courtesy: Healthline
Because women are seen in a much kinder light than men and physically smaller, society is not ready to accept that they can be capable of violence or aggression. This explains why there are so few anger management programs directed at female perpetrators. But just because women tend to be smaller, does not make the assault on their male partners less traumatizing. Women also know that they will be believed without question, consequently resulting in false assault allegations.
Biased Language
Courtesy: Pinterest
Words are powerful and, if presented in a certain way, can influence the audience to a particular way of thinking about a subject. Partner violence is such a subject. Because DV is always framed as male violence against women, the words used in campaigns, websites, and discussions, will always reflect this bias. While browsing the websites of several domestic violence shelters, for example, words and phrases such as ‘Protecting women and girls, ’‘Support women and children,’ and ‘Safety for women,’ were the predominant slogans. Even the accompanying pictures are mainly of women or a woman with children. Of course, male abuse victims seeking help may not feel comfortable contacting the shelters when the language is not inclusive. There are no photos of men or a father and his child/children.
The Office of Family Violence Prevention and Services from the National Domestic Violence Awareness website states their aims to help families and survivors of DV, which is good, but there is no mention of male victims. They assist with access to programs and services, one of which is “responsible fatherhood programs.”
What about responsible motherhood programs?
Not all mothers are caring and responsible. Some mothers are not stable enough to care for their children, and that is when the father or other family member has to step in. What about fathers seeking protection for their children from a mother with anger management issues? Words to this effect are never mentioned.
Support and Education is Critical
Courtesy: Pinterest
There is a dire need for more men-friendly spaces. Many community agencies offer to assistmen, but it is only in regard to homelessness or mental health, not a shelter where men can also bring their children. There is only one male-centred agency here in Toronto.
One!
There is a strong need for education in the human services field when it comes to men and their needs. It should start with university and college programs in social work and social service work (a designation in Canada), to better equip future professionals with the knowledge and sensitivity to assist male clients. There should be advocacy around issues for male victims of partner violence. For example, the lack of male shelters. Someone should be asking ‘What can be done to make existing community agencies and shelters inclusive for male victims?’.
Since there is a lack of male shelters, men should never be turned away from women’s shelters because they are coming to them for the same reason as women - relief from an abusive situation.
No one should be left scrambling to find needed support!
About the Author
Elizabeth Merchant
A student of Social Service Work and Law, is a Freelance Writer who resides in Toronto, Canada with her family and two cats with a mind of their own.
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